After a long absence from the blogging world, I return.
Although I make no promises as to how long...you never know what the day will bring.
And oh, I could tell you so, so, so many stories about why I've been away, and what's been happening, and how I spent my summer, and how I'm really disturbed by the new commercials about high fructose corn syrup (support your local farmers people). But I won't. But I will tell you that the last 5 months have been chock full of surprises, and emotional roller coaster rides, and spiritual renewal. And if you read long enough I may even tell you about my new shoes. And I'll tell you that even though I haven't been writing a lot lately I have been creative in lots of other ways. In fact, I have totally been kicking creativity's butt. It's just been in the form of baking, and painting, and making up fictional employees for my friend's office. And I will tell you that I am very, very, happy to be writing again. And I'm also nervous about it.
Which brings me to the point of this post...
Vulnerability.
I have been tempted lately to call some folks at A Major Television Network and pitch an idea for a new show called People Are Stupid. And of course I use the generalized term of 'people' when in fact I mean me. And I use the term 'stupid' when what I really mean is that I have to make the same mistakes over and over and ooooover again before I learn the lesson. But I would still call the show People Are Stupid because I think the TV muckety mucks would jump all over that instead of a show called Anne Marie Is A Slow Learner.
In no way, shape, or form, have I mastered how to be vulnerable. We are works in progress after all. And daily, and I'm talking da-i-ly, I battle my way through the plethora of self doubt that rattles around my mind. Thoughts like - if I cry they will think that I'm weak. If I say that I'm scared, they'll think...I'm scared. If I say how I really feel...I love you, I'm so angry at you,etc....THEY ARE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU!! If I write about my self doubt they will all think that I have no business writing at all and I should stick to things like baking where my emotional suitcase can be neatly tucked away under a lattice crust instead right here on this page...geez! Yup. These are some of the thoughts that take up entirely to much space in my mind. Right along side with the lyrics to the Who's The Boss theme song.
I know I am not alone in my self doubt. We all have those fears. The fear of being really seen, and exposed, and raw, and real. The fear of being rejected. Is it risky to put yourself out there emotionally? You betcha. A few weeks ago I was driving and having an all out sob fest in my car. Snot running down my chin, doing that gasping thing that you do when you've been crying for hours on end. And I was on the phone with a friend explaining why I was so upset and then the real moment of vulnerability came. He asked me what I needed. And after some silence, and more sobbing, and in between gasping for air, I was able to really say what I needed. 'I need to not feel so alone in this.' To which he responded, 'I'm going to have to call you back.' Click. Immediately my sobs turned to laughter. You can't script something that good. Sometimes God is just so twisted. But is it worth it to take the risk being authentically who we are? Always. Even when the call gets dropped.
It's easy to forget when we get caught up in how we are perceived, that in doing so we are choosing fear over love. Choosing to be real and seen for who we are means acknowledging, experiencing, and ultimately believing that Love conquers all. Love, man! God, capital G, Creator...Love. It allows somebody else's story to be told and experiences to be shared. It means acknowledging that we are weak and broken and that we desperately need God in those places. And it may even mean changing how we feel about God's presence. Expecting Him to show up, instead of hoping He shows up.
I have miles and miles and miles to go on this journey of saying yes to God on a daily basis. And it's a bumpy road and sometimes I wear high heels. (Purple crocodile with gold buckles...just got em.) But I pray that I continue to wake up everyday desiring to be vulnerable and let people who know where I am, and who I am.
I think the legendary funksters, Abba, say it best with the words, 'take a chance, take a chance, take a take a chance chance.'
Cause we don't need to be no desperado's ya'll! (Fantastic. Now I'm channelling Brittney Spears.)
Anyway.
Let somebody love you today.
